Understanding the Five Stages of Grief

I’ve done a lot of research and reading up about grief since my Grandad passed, and I’ve learnt one thing: that your grief is uniquely yours. Even with shared experiences, and shared feelings of the person you’ve lost, nobody will ever really experience grief the same way you do. It affects everyone differently and at different rates. This is where the five stages of grief come into play.

So what are the five stages of grief, and when do they come into play?

1. Denial: Denial steps in to minimise the pain we feel from grief. It can make us feel numb, as if this isn’t really our reality. Being in denial is only natural, as our reality has completely shifted from the norm. Denial acts acts as a buffer, allowing us to grieve slowly – albeit at the cost of acceptance.
2. Anger: Anger arises when we begin to try and adjust to this shift we’re experiencing. It serves as a form of emotional outlet. When we begin experiencing anger during the grieving process, it’s important to seek out comfort, connection and reassurance from others to make this process less lonely.
3. Bargaining: There will come a point in our grief, when we try and negotiate with fate, and try to reverse the loss we are experiencing. It can be easy here to place blame. It’s during this point where a lot of people turn to God, or spirituality, whether they believe in it or not; doing whatever we can to try and get this person to come back. Questions may arise such as “Why did it have to be them?”, “Why couldn’t it have been me instead?”, which are a natural part of the process of accepting our loss.
4. Depression: When we finally allow the emotions in, and have the mindset to assess the loss we have experienced, we can begin to feel depressed. Our emotions can become overwhelming, and this is often when the actual mourning begins. It’s easy during this stage to isolate, and feel like retreating, but it’s important to remind yourself that you’re not facing these feelings alone.
5. Acceptance: Often called the last stage of grief, is acceptance. Now, this doesn’t mean that we are over our grief, or that we no longer struggle with the loss we experienced – it simply means we are no longer trying to bargain, or reverse the reality. We accept what happened as our new reality, although it’s still natural to still experience feelings of depression and regret. These are symptoms that will only get easier to handle with time. But will likely never really go away. We just learn to live with it.

Information taken from: How the Five Stages of Grief Can Help Process a Loss (verywellmind.com)

Grief is a long and draining process, both emotionally and physically. It can be a confusing experience, as these emotions can begin to take a toll of your mental and physical health. It can make you feel weak, tired, and overall drained. I can’t stress enough how important it is to look after yourself during the grieving process. It can be easy to hide away, and find refuge in isolation, but please reach out, and express yourself. Hiding how you feel will only prolong the grieving process for you.

A common misconception I’ve found is that grief follows the above stages chronologically, but that couldn’t be more wrong. Just as grief affects everybody differently, so do the 5 stages that encompass it. So my advice is this: take your time grieving, and don’t let anybody tell you that you’re grieving wrong. There is no right way to grieve, there is only what comes naturally to us.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ― Vicki Harrison

Be patient with yourself, and above all, learn to forgive.